Thursday, May 2, 2013

'Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life' Recap: Kiss N Tell

When last we saw our heroine on MTV's documentary series Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life, she was losing her voice the night before the famed Glastonbury Festival, in 2011. Detractors may consider this no great tragedy, but for Ke$ha, who calls the festival a "rock and roll rite of passage," it's as terrifying as producing the next Britney record.

As if things couldn't look worse, one of her tour buses breaks down en route. All "non-essentials" are left behind, including her mother, who sits on the side of the road with a wine bottle and confesses she has brought no pants.

But hey, this is Hollywood, and surprise surprise everything ends up fine. Ke$ha trudges through the mud to the stage and ignites the crowd. Clips feature her playing drums, guitar and the glitter snare to a live rendition of "Party at a Rich Dude's House," which pretty much sums her up. "Was it okay?" she asks again afterward.

Montage of European city names, show clips, glitter cannons, a Britney snake, and Alice Cooper (on whose album Welcome 2 My Nightmare Ke$ha guested, in the duet "What Baby Wants").

Ke$ha's sleazy adventures lead her, inexplicably, to Beirut, where she sits nervously in her hotel room as management reassures her that the New York Times called it the "best place to visit" a mere two years earlier to the muffled sound of bombs outside. She has a car with bulletproof glass and six security guards, but is told Beyoncé had about sixty ("What are you trying to say?" she jokes). When her head of security tells her this is to prevent kidnapping, she asks how much she would go for. "$10 million"

"Sweet, I'm expensive," she grins, until her brother (Lagan Sebert, who filmed the series) informs her that she'd have to pay it. "I don't have ten million dollars!" (Ke$ha's net worth is estimated at around $9 million.)

Back in LA.

"I keep on having penis dreams. I think I need to get laid. *Belch*"

On her day off, Ke$ha spies a young man with a beard walking by, and she scurries after him, later scoring a date. But, we discover, her mother cockblocks her when the would-be paramour comes by Ke$ha's house that night, to the point where he says he needs to walk his dog and never returns. (Fool!) Later, Pebe interrupts Ke$ha's rather stunted chat with Pauly Shore backstage at Conan O'Brien, leading to a hilariously awkward moment of silence as mom checks her makeup in the mirror.

All is not lost, though: we discover that there is one bearded gentleman in Ke$ha's tour company, who is rather tall and somewhat dashing if you're into that sort of thing as K-dolla seems to be. He's a good sport, and moments later he's present as she triumphantly announces, "I got laid!" She does go on, later, though, to tell her friends (and us) that afterward he asked if she liked to spoon (awwwwww)...and if she would be the big spoon (ahhhhhhhhh!). Mockery ensues accordingly.

Still, as the second episode closes, Ke$ha seems to be enjoying more time with "Little Spoon," and she gives the kind of portentous voice-over about him perhaps being the "love [she's] been looking for" that makes it clear he is not the love she's been looking for. But if the first third of this enlightening six-part series has taught us anything, it's that Ke$ha has a rather interesting and dull and relatable personal life to which we, the glitter-bombed public, have heretofore been ignorant, so what do I know about Ke$ha's sex life? If this episode is any indication, though, we will surely be illuminated forthwith.

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